A Retirement, for the time being.

For the past 15years I have judged time by which show I was in. If someone were to ask me: "What happened during such and such a time" I would go through my brain and figure out which show I was in, which would remind me of all the other things I did. I have five scrapbooks filled with newspaper clippings, ticket stubs, and reviews. I have three boxes filled with photos and half a closet filled with costumes and I am very tired.

It is my personal belief that theatre is a form of therapy. Here is a place that actively encourages one to look into the depths of human nature on a constant basis. Why does this character do this? What do they want? How can I get that for them? What are all the things people do/say to get this thing that this character wants? I take this part of preparing for a role very seriously.

When I played a blind girl I wandered around the set and town with a blindfold on and spent time with a woman who teaches blind children how to function in the world. When I played a woman who was thrown out by her family I plumbed the depths of how it would feel to be discarded by your own flesh and blood. As an actor you go to those dark places, as well as the light and joyful ones, and let them take over your being for a few months. We surrender our own selves for the sake of the story and the person we are trying to tell about. Its very exhausting work.

The payoff for me has always been that I leave a show with a deeper understanding of human nature and of behavior patterns. Between talking to my fellow actors, stage mangers, technical assistants, and directors and watching and listening to everyone discover their character I leave with a better sense of who we are as humans. Which brings me back to the therapy thought.

I have reached a point in my life where I am calmer than I have ever been. I am less anxiety filled, less full of anger, and less frighted than I have been in the past. I do not need theatre right now. I like it. I enjoy it, but I no longer feel the driving need to be a part of it. Some people would call this "burn out", others may say that I will never succeed as an actor if I can make a choice like this, but I feel as if I have already succeeded. I have an amazing resume in my possession and have played some of the most coveted and challenging roles. I have several communities of theatrical minded people that I know will miss me and whom I will miss.

This is not a lifelong retirement. I am smart enough to know that one should never say never and that I still have a deep passion for the theatre, I simply need a break. A few years to think outside the theatre. I need to finish growing up and growing older so that I can be a stellar Lady Mac! (or A great Queen Elizabeth, Goneril, or a killer Cleopatra).

I wrote this blog because I know several of my friends who will try to talk me out of this decision and I need the support that having this in writing will give me. I love to be on stage with people I care about, and I love the feeling of a story that has its own life taking over. I just need a break.

And so, Talley's Folly is my last show for a while. Come see it: http://www.murphyscreektheatre.org/

"Now my charms are all o'erthrown,
And what strength I have's mine own,
Which is most faint: now, 'tis true,
I must be here confined by you,
Or sent to Naples. Let me not,
Since I have my dukedom got
And pardon'd the deceiver, dwell
In this bare island by your spell;
But release me from my bands
With the help of your good hands:
Gentle breath of yours my sails
Must fill, or else my project fails,
Which was to please. Now I want
Spirits to enforce, art to enchant,
And my ending is despair,
Unless I be relieved by prayer,
Which pierces so that it assaults
Mercy itself and frees all faults.
As you from crimes would pardon'd be,
Let your indulgence set me free."
-The Tempest

Goals for 2010

because resolutions get broken too easily!

1. Spend less money!
2. More teas with the Grandma's
3. Visit my relatives in the state more, especially Aunt Linda.
4. Notice when I am feeding off of others emotions and when I am emoting myself.
5. Grow most of our veggies in the yard.
6. Make the yard beautiful!
7. Ride Luna a lot more.
8. Spend a week in the back country.
9. RELAX!
10. Breathe deep
11. Loose 10 lbs. (I think this one automatically goes on any woman's list after 25)
12. Do yoga at least twice a week.
13. Dance at least once a week
14. Don't bite nails.
15. Hostess four nice dinners a month.
16. Become a Brew Mistress
17. Learn to pressure can
18. Can enough food for winter.
19. Give freely to Matt, no decisions out of fear or anxiety, all decisions out of love.
20. Think bigger thoughts for the extended future, do some planning.


Now, how did I do for 2009?


1. obtain passport and go somewhere

NOPE.

2. throw out four boxes of stuff

10 Boxes!!

3. visit Mahea in Santa Barbara

NOPE

4. learn how to brew beer

YES!

5. finish the Natural History of Brownes Meadows (seven more chapters! You can do it!)

On Hiatus until I quit my Horrid Job so that they couldn't claim it as theirs.

6. Obtain a credit card with frequent flyer miles...and fly somewhere other than Montana this winter....no more snowy vacations.

NOPE

7. Stock kitchen with rice/flour/cans/etc while its still cheap..... maybe mass murder deer population in Columbia so I can grow a garden as well.... hire sniper? dispose of diseased meat.

Kitchen stocked! No dead deer.

8. write letters to the following people: Holly, Grandpa, Grandma, Lillian, Kira, Jason, Joe, Shira, Lahna, Kevin, Rachel, Rachael, Jack, and Stacey

Hmmm... Holly, Grandpa, Grandma, Lillian, Lahna, Jack and Kevin got letters. soo...1/2

9. Forgive Daniela.... forgive Oliver....forgive David...and forgive Earlene.... just let it go, its not worth your angst anymore and certainly not worth you holding back for other friends or lovers.

Totally forgiven!

10. Re-establish savings account and don't go back to school when its replenished. You are overeducated right now...work.

Huzzah! Saved $2200!... then went back to school...as a teacher.

11. take Grandma out for Japanese food as a thank you... also, send her photos of every trip Matt and I have taken into the backcountry so she can show her bingo club. remember to get pictures from Matt.

Done, Grandmas are happy!

12. Meet Matt's family.... perhaps mix with #6, also don't freak him out with weird girl romantic notions ... play it cool, you have a lot of time....and let him choose wardrobe just in case. Also, don't ask him again, once is enough, he heard you the first time. don't be that nagging bitch you roll your eyes at in the grocery store.

Met family, Loved family, family loved me!

13. Distinguish self in new job (take all needed tests to boost pay up to $25/hr ASAP)... do not distinguish self as "know it all", "bitch", or "that chick who always wants something".... and try not to disagree with the boss anymore, he's there for a reason even if you don't see it right now. Also, you can't change the system so play within it and enjoy the company car.

Or...Quit Job and consider law suit.

14. Visit Vickie in New Zealand.... again, perhaps mix with #6...and #1

Nope

15. establish blogging pattern... and actually stick to it... try to write again instead of doing the environmental reporting...also don't put shit up here, you are not a poet.

Ha!

16. cook one intricate meal a week to eat by candle light with Matt...preferably naked (remember to tell roomate so as not to frighten him....also remember to give roomate tips to keep his hot college grad girlfriend...such as cleaning the friggin' toilet)

Totally done, naked sometimes, and no longer have roomate... now live with Matt :-) Naked meals seem to be a good thing.

17. invent two new sexual positions... maybe mix with #16... does not need to be completely new as that is most likely impossible.

:-)

18. tone and maintain muscles over holidays... (ha!) no really, at least try..... (HA!!) ok.... try not to grow out of new jeans over holidays....by one size.

HA HA HA HA! skip to 2010

19. ration booze intake...average one drink a night. starting monday.

HA!!

20. Create "man space" in house for Matt and roomate so as to show off ability to let boys be boys.... REFRAIN FROM CLEANING OR LOOKING AT DIRTY PICTURES IN MAN SPACE!!! also, allow motorcycles, oil, motorcycle parts, and various noisy tools in "man space".... no dishes/silverware/cups though

Man Shed at our home, Still must refrain from moving/cleaning tools/workspace. arguh! hard. also, dirty pictures now a monday night tradition.

21. Limit drinking when Liz and Christi come to visit.... DO NOT TRY TO OUTDRINK LIZ!!!!! DO NOT DRINK ABSINTHE WITH LIZ!!!!

Failed this one. I can not help but try and go drink for drink with Liz, its SO much fun! and absinthe is so good. Please Lara, do not make another Christmas day like this years.... ugh.

22. Don't cry while solemnizing Christi's marriage.... use Theresa May tactics to enunciate while sobbing. You are a Shakesperian actress, you have played ten of the most challenging female roles ever written, you can handle marrying your best friend.

Wow, I actually did this! Sobbing commenced after the ceremony!

23. stop making long lists of things you want to do with exceptions.

Nope, I like to check them off!


So, 11 out of 23... if I count the four things I sort of did as 0.5 each ... not bad! I met 11 goals in 2009.

Matt's House: A Photo Essay

Matt's house in April with potty in front yard.














The Floor

The floors were original Douglas Fir wood floors, stained a dark brown. They were tightly gained and beautiful, but very dark and musty. There were several places in which the floor was rotten, or needed to be patched due to damage. Matt's first impression was to sand the old stain off, restain, and finish in a weekend. This took a little longer than expected. Finding a sander was easy, finding the correct grit of sandpaper proved almost impossible.

After several DAYS of sanding the floor looked clean enough to put down the red stain that Matt had found. It looked beautiful in the back rooms, but it brought out every imperfection in the wood in the front rooms, it appeared as if someone had murdered an ox in the house. I do not have any photos of the house at that stage. Matt re-sanded the new red stain off and we re-stained the floor with a lighter honey colored stain. The result was beautiful!




The wood floor looks like a warm piece of art work now.

Matt also did an amazing feat with the repairs on the floor. He found some flooring that fit the relative size and grain of the floor. The front room had a patch job:


as did the back room: and this one in the bed room:


The Back Room

The back room was musty and dirty. The floor was rotten in several places, a wall had obviously been knocked out recently and re-spackled quickly. The color was a dull dirty white. After several days of sanding and staining on the floors (which will be shown later), Matt got to have the joy of beginning the painting process. In the photo below the floors are done, but the walls are ready to be painted.






primed walls, ready for a color.... uh oh... a color!



Below is the painted walls of the back room. Pale Ivory with Swiss Coffee trim.

Then the bed got moved so that the bed room could be painted.



The Kitchen

There was no refridgerator when Matt bought this house and the kichen floor was REALLY dirty, but there is a dishwasher that works so there was balance there!


The Yard

We both wanted to have a nice veggie garden, I took it upon myself to work in the yard (and kitchen) while Matt was cursing at the floor. The yard was overgrown and patchy. Vinca had taken over a few lilac bushes. I piled and lopped, and raked, and weeded and put up a semi deer proof fence, and planted and planted and planted.

My uncle Jack is dying. He has been struggling with cancer for several years now and the fight is almost lost. When my grandfather died there was a huge hole in my family. No one knew how to manage the ranch, which paper were filed where, who to call to sell logs to, who needed to sign what documents to sell timber, how much timber was worth, where the deeds were, how exactly to go about creating a timber sale, how much was owed in land taxes, who fought the fires, what type of soil there was, when areas were logged last and how long until we could log again, where the property lines were fishy and where they were solid. This knowledge was scattered among his five children, but no one had all the pieces in one place, namely the ranch itself. To top it all off three people were suing my grandfathers estate after he died when they found out that the land on paper was worth a lot of money.

My mother took the job of gathering this information and the documents and meeting and talking to all the people that are involved in caring for a large piece of land (its much more than I thought!) and for the mentally incapable members in the family that needed constant care. Uncle Jack stepped in to handle the legal and financial aspect of dividing up the land, managing the money set aside for those in the family that could not care for themselves, managing the money set aside for the education of the grandchildren, and making sure the attorneys and lawyers were doing their job and helping with the law suits. He also stepped in to the grandfather role in the lives of my brother and I. He would call and see how we were doing in school, ask about dates and dances, take an interest in what we liked, and gather our photos as we grew up. My mother could not have made it through the death of her father, the care of her mother and brother, the transfer of land, and the law suits without Jack taking it all in with her as the solid and honorable big brother he had always been.

When I was a waitress Jack would visit the restaurants I worked at and tip me $100 bills, when I was in a show he would see my production if at all possible, he would walk with me around the ranch in the summer and tell stories of my grandfather and grandmother and what the land was like when he was growing up. He would attend my brothers baseball games and ask us about what we were studying in college. I have a feeling that he is largely responsible for Travis becoming an engineer. Any man would want to grow up to be like Jack. An honorable, honest, hard working, intelligent, well mannered, strong, caring, and gentle man. He is a great reason why I have been so picky in my relationships and have not dropped my high standards for men. How could I date a man any less that Jack?

I have started several stories and poems about Jack in which I mention his physical, moral, and social stature and relate him to the tall trees of the ranch, like my grandfather. The two are weaved of the same materials. My brother is of this material as well and it gladdens my heart to see him following in the path that these amazing men have before.

For a man who has always had a quick wit and an agile mind I can only imagine the struggle that the mentally dulling pain medications have created in him. For a man who never had a violent streak, I can only imagine the anger and frustration that must accompany a strong capable body that suddenly won't do what you want it to. For a man who has traveled the world I can only imagine the heartache that comes in being confined to three rooms in your own home. I grieve the loss of this monumental man.

I feel as if I am losing my grandfather all over again. I am losing the support and closeness of a capable, helpful, wise man who has never let me down or hurt me. What a rare thing that is in this world. How grateful I am to have had several such men in my life.

As he worsens, all Jack can talk about it the past, the ranch, and his family. This is truly what matters to me as well. My family and my land.

On my birthday I took Matt to meet Jack. I am so glad that I did. He told me the recipe that his mother used to make gooseberry jelly with, I only hope that he will be around to taste it this fall when I make it..... but I don't think that will happen. When I filter the shells out of the hot syrup I will know that Jack is there helping me, when I discus the legal terms of transferring land to my brother and I, I will know that Jack is helping me, when I jump into the swimming hole I will know that Jack is jumping in with me.

Things that have happened since my last note that deserve time, but I am listing them instead:

1. Sam died

2. Tyler and I hung out and had that "momentous" conversation

3. Sam's Memorial, amazing and beautiful

4. Tyler and Matt meeting

5. Daniela visiting for a week

6. Tyler and Daniela discovering their friendship

7. Christmas with the family and Matt

8. Matt giving me the gift of travel (to New York!), and boadway for christmas.

9. issues at work... Lara always has to stir things up a little

10. more issues at work.... just let it rest!!

11. Liz and Christi visiting

12. Amazing girls night

13. fabulous meals galore!!! Tuna steaks, persimmon cake, dim sum, blueberry pancakes, lamb, ham, and all sorts of tasty treats.

14. did I mention Matt is sending me to New York?

15. Snow, rain, snow, rain, snow.

16. house to myself for to weeks

17. contentment and happiness.

I have been dreaming about a house and a little boy in moments. I do not dream long stories, as I usually do, just moments of life.

In this house there is a sunroom that separates the main house from the outside. In this sunroom are benches, coats, mussy boots, a broom, a rug or two, and several hats. Matt and I are in the sun room laughing while putting on hats and mittens and boots to walk out into the snow. It is sunny outside, but cold. There is a little boy with curly hair in the room as well that is laughing with us.

In this house is a kitchen with piles of dishes that I am washing in hot water with lots of suds. I am smiling, tired, but smiling. At the table to my right is the little boy eating pancakes and Matt pouring orange juice.

In this house is a door that leads to a farm. On the farm is a barn filled with horses, ducks, chickens, cows, and goats.

Moments.

I am debating telling Matt all of these dreams, but if he finds the house in my dreams while he is searching for one up here I will insist that he buys it.

He is searching. He wants one, this year. I need to admit to myself, and to him, that I want it very much.

Persephone Salad

a Lara invention, inspired by the novel "Crescent" by Diana Abu-Jaber.

1 Pomegranate
2 green pears
a few springs of mint
Cinnamon
Graham Masala
a spoonful of sugar (or honey)
a pinch of salt


1. slice both pears into quarters, then into small slices so that they make crescent moon shapes about the size of a quarter. Place into a beautiful bowl that makes you think of fertile things.

2. Open pomegranate and marvel at the intricate organization of its red seeds. De-seed pomegranate into bowl, similar to de-flowering if done with the proper mentality.

3. chop mint finely (saving the beautiful apical meristem..tips...for garnish). Add the chopped mint to the bowl with a definitive twist of your wrist.

4. Add a spoonful of sugar (white), or honey, while humming "A spoonful of sugar helps the pectin in the green pears go down...".

5. Add some garham masala, add a little bit more... its so tasty...mmmmm.

6. Add a tid bit of cinnamon and a pinch of salt for good measure.

7. stir until well mixed. the shiny red pomegranate and the faded green of the pears should look almost festive.

8. Decorate with the mint tips and serve to someone willing to close their eyes for the first bite.