A Retirement, for the time being.

For the past 15years I have judged time by which show I was in. If someone were to ask me: "What happened during such and such a time" I would go through my brain and figure out which show I was in, which would remind me of all the other things I did. I have five scrapbooks filled with newspaper clippings, ticket stubs, and reviews. I have three boxes filled with photos and half a closet filled with costumes and I am very tired.

It is my personal belief that theatre is a form of therapy. Here is a place that actively encourages one to look into the depths of human nature on a constant basis. Why does this character do this? What do they want? How can I get that for them? What are all the things people do/say to get this thing that this character wants? I take this part of preparing for a role very seriously.

When I played a blind girl I wandered around the set and town with a blindfold on and spent time with a woman who teaches blind children how to function in the world. When I played a woman who was thrown out by her family I plumbed the depths of how it would feel to be discarded by your own flesh and blood. As an actor you go to those dark places, as well as the light and joyful ones, and let them take over your being for a few months. We surrender our own selves for the sake of the story and the person we are trying to tell about. Its very exhausting work.

The payoff for me has always been that I leave a show with a deeper understanding of human nature and of behavior patterns. Between talking to my fellow actors, stage mangers, technical assistants, and directors and watching and listening to everyone discover their character I leave with a better sense of who we are as humans. Which brings me back to the therapy thought.

I have reached a point in my life where I am calmer than I have ever been. I am less anxiety filled, less full of anger, and less frighted than I have been in the past. I do not need theatre right now. I like it. I enjoy it, but I no longer feel the driving need to be a part of it. Some people would call this "burn out", others may say that I will never succeed as an actor if I can make a choice like this, but I feel as if I have already succeeded. I have an amazing resume in my possession and have played some of the most coveted and challenging roles. I have several communities of theatrical minded people that I know will miss me and whom I will miss.

This is not a lifelong retirement. I am smart enough to know that one should never say never and that I still have a deep passion for the theatre, I simply need a break. A few years to think outside the theatre. I need to finish growing up and growing older so that I can be a stellar Lady Mac! (or A great Queen Elizabeth, Goneril, or a killer Cleopatra).

I wrote this blog because I know several of my friends who will try to talk me out of this decision and I need the support that having this in writing will give me. I love to be on stage with people I care about, and I love the feeling of a story that has its own life taking over. I just need a break.

And so, Talley's Folly is my last show for a while. Come see it: http://www.murphyscreektheatre.org/

"Now my charms are all o'erthrown,
And what strength I have's mine own,
Which is most faint: now, 'tis true,
I must be here confined by you,
Or sent to Naples. Let me not,
Since I have my dukedom got
And pardon'd the deceiver, dwell
In this bare island by your spell;
But release me from my bands
With the help of your good hands:
Gentle breath of yours my sails
Must fill, or else my project fails,
Which was to please. Now I want
Spirits to enforce, art to enchant,
And my ending is despair,
Unless I be relieved by prayer,
Which pierces so that it assaults
Mercy itself and frees all faults.
As you from crimes would pardon'd be,
Let your indulgence set me free."
-The Tempest