For the past 15years I have judged time by which show I was in. If someone were to ask me: "What happened during such and such a time" I would go through my brain and figure out which show I was in, which would remind me of all the other things I did. I have five scrapbooks filled with newspaper clippings, ticket stubs, and reviews. I have three boxes filled with photos and half a closet filled with costumes and I am very tired.
It is my personal belief that theatre is a form of therapy. Here is a place that actively encourages one to look into the depths of human nature on a constant basis. Why does this character do this? What do they want? How can I get that for them? What are all the things people do/say to get this thing that this character wants? I take this part of preparing for a role very seriously.
When I played a blind girl I wandered around the set and town with a blindfold on and spent time with a woman who teaches blind children how to function in the world. When I played a woman who was thrown out by her family I plumbed the depths of how it would feel to be discarded by your own flesh and blood. As an actor you go to those dark places, as well as the light and joyful ones, and let them take over your being for a few months. We surrender our own selves for the sake of the story and the person we are trying to tell about. Its very exhausting work.
The payoff for me has always been that I leave a show with a deeper understanding of human nature and of behavior patterns. Between talking to my fellow actors, stage mangers, technical assistants, and directors and watching and listening to everyone discover their character I leave with a better sense of who we are as humans. Which brings me back to the therapy thought.
I have reached a point in my life where I am calmer than I have ever been. I am less anxiety filled, less full of anger, and less frighted than I have been in the past. I do not need theatre right now. I like it. I enjoy it, but I no longer feel the driving need to be a part of it. Some people would call this "burn out", others may say that I will never succeed as an actor if I can make a choice like this, but I feel as if I have already succeeded. I have an amazing resume in my possession and have played some of the most coveted and challenging roles. I have several communities of theatrical minded people that I know will miss me and whom I will miss.
This is not a lifelong retirement. I am smart enough to know that one should never say never and that I still have a deep passion for the theatre, I simply need a break. A few years to think outside the theatre. I need to finish growing up and growing older so that I can be a stellar Lady Mac! (or A great Queen Elizabeth, Goneril, or a killer Cleopatra).
I wrote this blog because I know several of my friends who will try to talk me out of this decision and I need the support that having this in writing will give me. I love to be on stage with people I care about, and I love the feeling of a story that has its own life taking over. I just need a break.
And so, Talley's Folly is my last show for a while. Come see it: http://www.murphyscreektheatre.org/
"Now my charms are all o'erthrown,
And what strength I have's mine own,
Which is most faint: now, 'tis true,
I must be here confined by you,
Or sent to Naples. Let me not,
Since I have my dukedom got
And pardon'd the deceiver, dwell
In this bare island by your spell;
But release me from my bands
With the help of your good hands:
Gentle breath of yours my sails
Must fill, or else my project fails,
Which was to please. Now I want
Spirits to enforce, art to enchant,
And my ending is despair,
Unless I be relieved by prayer,
Which pierces so that it assaults
Mercy itself and frees all faults.
As you from crimes would pardon'd be,
Let your indulgence set me free."
-The Tempest
Monday, February 22, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Goals for 2010
because resolutions get broken too easily!
1. Spend less money!
2. More teas with the Grandma's
3. Visit my relatives in the state more, especially Aunt Linda.
4. Notice when I am feeding off of others emotions and when I am emoting myself.
5. Grow most of our veggies in the yard.
6. Make the yard beautiful!
7. Ride Luna a lot more.
8. Spend a week in the back country.
9. RELAX!
10. Breathe deep
11. Loose 10 lbs. (I think this one automatically goes on any woman's list after 25)
12. Do yoga at least twice a week.
13. Dance at least once a week
14. Don't bite nails.
15. Hostess four nice dinners a month.
16. Become a Brew Mistress
17. Learn to pressure can
18. Can enough food for winter.
19. Give freely to Matt, no decisions out of fear or anxiety, all decisions out of love.
20. Think bigger thoughts for the extended future, do some planning.
Now, how did I do for 2009?
1. obtain passport and go somewhere
NOPE.
2. throw out four boxes of stuff
10 Boxes!!
3. visit Mahea in Santa Barbara
NOPE
4. learn how to brew beer
YES!
5. finish the Natural History of Brownes Meadows (seven more chapters! You can do it!)
On Hiatus until I quit my Horrid Job so that they couldn't claim it as theirs.
6. Obtain a credit card with frequent flyer miles...and fly somewhere other than Montana this winter....no more snowy vacations.
NOPE
7. Stock kitchen with rice/flour/cans/etc while its still cheap..... maybe mass murder deer population in Columbia so I can grow a garden as well.... hire sniper? dispose of diseased meat.
Kitchen stocked! No dead deer.
8. write letters to the following people: Holly, Grandpa, Grandma, Lillian, Kira, Jason, Joe, Shira, Lahna, Kevin, Rachel, Rachael, Jack, and Stacey
Hmmm... Holly, Grandpa, Grandma, Lillian, Lahna, Jack and Kevin got letters. soo...1/2
9. Forgive Daniela.... forgive Oliver....forgive David...and forgive Earlene.... just let it go, its not worth your angst anymore and certainly not worth you holding back for other friends or lovers.
Totally forgiven!
10. Re-establish savings account and don't go back to school when its replenished. You are overeducated right now...work.
Huzzah! Saved $2200!... then went back to school...as a teacher.
11. take Grandma out for Japanese food as a thank you... also, send her photos of every trip Matt and I have taken into the backcountry so she can show her bingo club. remember to get pictures from Matt.
Done, Grandmas are happy!
12. Meet Matt's family.... perhaps mix with #6, also don't freak him out with weird girl romantic notions ... play it cool, you have a lot of time....and let him choose wardrobe just in case. Also, don't ask him again, once is enough, he heard you the first time. don't be that nagging bitch you roll your eyes at in the grocery store.
Met family, Loved family, family loved me!
13. Distinguish self in new job (take all needed tests to boost pay up to $25/hr ASAP)... do not distinguish self as "know it all", "bitch", or "that chick who always wants something".... and try not to disagree with the boss anymore, he's there for a reason even if you don't see it right now. Also, you can't change the system so play within it and enjoy the company car.
Or...Quit Job and consider law suit.
14. Visit Vickie in New Zealand.... again, perhaps mix with #6...and #1
Nope
15. establish blogging pattern... and actually stick to it... try to write again instead of doing the environmental reporting...also don't put shit up here, you are not a poet.
Ha!
16. cook one intricate meal a week to eat by candle light with Matt...preferably naked (remember to tell roomate so as not to frighten him....also remember to give roomate tips to keep his hot college grad girlfriend...such as cleaning the friggin' toilet)
Totally done, naked sometimes, and no longer have roomate... now live with Matt :-) Naked meals seem to be a good thing.
17. invent two new sexual positions... maybe mix with #16... does not need to be completely new as that is most likely impossible.
:-)
18. tone and maintain muscles over holidays... (ha!) no really, at least try..... (HA!!) ok.... try not to grow out of new jeans over holidays....by one size.
HA HA HA HA! skip to 2010
19. ration booze intake...average one drink a night. starting monday.
HA!!
20. Create "man space" in house for Matt and roomate so as to show off ability to let boys be boys.... REFRAIN FROM CLEANING OR LOOKING AT DIRTY PICTURES IN MAN SPACE!!! also, allow motorcycles, oil, motorcycle parts, and various noisy tools in "man space".... no dishes/silverware/cups though
Man Shed at our home, Still must refrain from moving/cleaning tools/workspace. arguh! hard. also, dirty pictures now a monday night tradition.
21. Limit drinking when Liz and Christi come to visit.... DO NOT TRY TO OUTDRINK LIZ!!!!! DO NOT DRINK ABSINTHE WITH LIZ!!!!
Failed this one. I can not help but try and go drink for drink with Liz, its SO much fun! and absinthe is so good. Please Lara, do not make another Christmas day like this years.... ugh.
22. Don't cry while solemnizing Christi's marriage.... use Theresa May tactics to enunciate while sobbing. You are a Shakesperian actress, you have played ten of the most challenging female roles ever written, you can handle marrying your best friend.
Wow, I actually did this! Sobbing commenced after the ceremony!
23. stop making long lists of things you want to do with exceptions.
Nope, I like to check them off!
So, 11 out of 23... if I count the four things I sort of did as 0.5 each ... not bad! I met 11 goals in 2009.
1. Spend less money!
2. More teas with the Grandma's
3. Visit my relatives in the state more, especially Aunt Linda.
4. Notice when I am feeding off of others emotions and when I am emoting myself.
5. Grow most of our veggies in the yard.
6. Make the yard beautiful!
7. Ride Luna a lot more.
8. Spend a week in the back country.
9. RELAX!
10. Breathe deep
11. Loose 10 lbs. (I think this one automatically goes on any woman's list after 25)
12. Do yoga at least twice a week.
13. Dance at least once a week
14. Don't bite nails.
15. Hostess four nice dinners a month.
16. Become a Brew Mistress
17. Learn to pressure can
18. Can enough food for winter.
19. Give freely to Matt, no decisions out of fear or anxiety, all decisions out of love.
20. Think bigger thoughts for the extended future, do some planning.
Now, how did I do for 2009?
1. obtain passport and go somewhere
NOPE.
2. throw out four boxes of stuff
10 Boxes!!
3. visit Mahea in Santa Barbara
NOPE
4. learn how to brew beer
YES!
5. finish the Natural History of Brownes Meadows (seven more chapters! You can do it!)
On Hiatus until I quit my Horrid Job so that they couldn't claim it as theirs.
6. Obtain a credit card with frequent flyer miles...and fly somewhere other than Montana this winter....no more snowy vacations.
NOPE
7. Stock kitchen with rice/flour/cans/etc while its still cheap..... maybe mass murder deer population in Columbia so I can grow a garden as well.... hire sniper? dispose of diseased meat.
Kitchen stocked! No dead deer.
8. write letters to the following people: Holly, Grandpa, Grandma, Lillian, Kira, Jason, Joe, Shira, Lahna, Kevin, Rachel, Rachael, Jack, and Stacey
Hmmm... Holly, Grandpa, Grandma, Lillian, Lahna, Jack and Kevin got letters. soo...1/2
9. Forgive Daniela.... forgive Oliver....forgive David...and forgive Earlene.... just let it go, its not worth your angst anymore and certainly not worth you holding back for other friends or lovers.
Totally forgiven!
10. Re-establish savings account and don't go back to school when its replenished. You are overeducated right now...work.
Huzzah! Saved $2200!... then went back to school...as a teacher.
11. take Grandma out for Japanese food as a thank you... also, send her photos of every trip Matt and I have taken into the backcountry so she can show her bingo club. remember to get pictures from Matt.
Done, Grandmas are happy!
12. Meet Matt's family.... perhaps mix with #6, also don't freak him out with weird girl romantic notions ... play it cool, you have a lot of time....and let him choose wardrobe just in case. Also, don't ask him again, once is enough, he heard you the first time. don't be that nagging bitch you roll your eyes at in the grocery store.
Met family, Loved family, family loved me!
13. Distinguish self in new job (take all needed tests to boost pay up to $25/hr ASAP)... do not distinguish self as "know it all", "bitch", or "that chick who always wants something".... and try not to disagree with the boss anymore, he's there for a reason even if you don't see it right now. Also, you can't change the system so play within it and enjoy the company car.
Or...Quit Job and consider law suit.
14. Visit Vickie in New Zealand.... again, perhaps mix with #6...and #1
Nope
15. establish blogging pattern... and actually stick to it... try to write again instead of doing the environmental reporting...also don't put shit up here, you are not a poet.
Ha!
16. cook one intricate meal a week to eat by candle light with Matt...preferably naked (remember to tell roomate so as not to frighten him....also remember to give roomate tips to keep his hot college grad girlfriend...such as cleaning the friggin' toilet)
Totally done, naked sometimes, and no longer have roomate... now live with Matt :-) Naked meals seem to be a good thing.
17. invent two new sexual positions... maybe mix with #16... does not need to be completely new as that is most likely impossible.
:-)
18. tone and maintain muscles over holidays... (ha!) no really, at least try..... (HA!!) ok.... try not to grow out of new jeans over holidays....by one size.
HA HA HA HA! skip to 2010
19. ration booze intake...average one drink a night. starting monday.
HA!!
20. Create "man space" in house for Matt and roomate so as to show off ability to let boys be boys.... REFRAIN FROM CLEANING OR LOOKING AT DIRTY PICTURES IN MAN SPACE!!! also, allow motorcycles, oil, motorcycle parts, and various noisy tools in "man space".... no dishes/silverware/cups though
Man Shed at our home, Still must refrain from moving/cleaning tools/workspace. arguh! hard. also, dirty pictures now a monday night tradition.
21. Limit drinking when Liz and Christi come to visit.... DO NOT TRY TO OUTDRINK LIZ!!!!! DO NOT DRINK ABSINTHE WITH LIZ!!!!
Failed this one. I can not help but try and go drink for drink with Liz, its SO much fun! and absinthe is so good. Please Lara, do not make another Christmas day like this years.... ugh.
22. Don't cry while solemnizing Christi's marriage.... use Theresa May tactics to enunciate while sobbing. You are a Shakesperian actress, you have played ten of the most challenging female roles ever written, you can handle marrying your best friend.
Wow, I actually did this! Sobbing commenced after the ceremony!
23. stop making long lists of things you want to do with exceptions.
Nope, I like to check them off!
So, 11 out of 23... if I count the four things I sort of did as 0.5 each ... not bad! I met 11 goals in 2009.
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